Episode 021: The Dance Hunter (feat. Patrick Klepek)

''This week's episode runs the topical gamut from an "It Follows" game to horseshoes with your mom, before concluding in an acoustic assault so aggressive that we're legitimately worried we might be banned from iTunes. Kotaku's Patrick Klepek guest stars.''

Introduction
Griffin phones Nick, who is currently serving a 20 year prison sentence for wearing socks in a hot tub. He accepts his punishment and apologises to every single listener who was hurt by his actions. Griffin is wearing a sports tank top while Nick is wearing a shirt with the slot machine from Pokémon on it, which he also wore the previous day.

No games had been made in the previous couple of episodes, as Nick and Griffin had been jamming out some ideas during their quarterly Loosey Goosey Profit-Free Frinktank [sic].

This Episode's Game

 * Second Life style MMO based off of It Follows. 1 monster per 5 players, your avatar continues to exist when you log off. (submitted by ceraneon)

The Dance Hunter is an asymmetrical survival MMO where a group of players are constantly being pursued by the dancing old man from the 2004-2005 Six Flags commercials. To eliminate The Dance Hunter, players must locate and shut down all five towers on a pentagon-shaped island. Each tower blasts out a different stem - percussion, bass, synth, horns, and vocals - from 'We Like to Party! (The Vengabus)' by The Vengaboys (provided by Harmonix).

The game itself can only be played on PCs, takes 45 seconds to boot up, and requires an authenticator dongle which automatically spits itself out of the computer. However, players can use the speaker volume of their mobile to determine their distance away from The Dance Hunter; the closer The Dance Hunter is to the player, the louder 'We Like to Party! (The Vengabus)' will play.

The Dance Hunter moves quite slowly by default, but his speed can be increased up to fifty times if the person playing as him performs the dance from the advert while wearing a VR rig. This player also has access to an app which shows the current location of all other players, while these players have access to a live video feed of The Dance Hunter's player when they're dancing.

Player avatars continue to exist in the world at all times, even when logged out. If they get caught, they are killed by the Wii Vitality Sensor installed in the base of their spine. Games may last several hours, if not up to days, weeks, and months.

The game is marketed as an exercise title and is rated by Patrick Klepek as "Gotta have it".

dink link
Nick recalls the time when he wanted to send someone a deep link to a work-related YouTube video and accidentally typed "dink link" into Slack. He suggests that this should be the only submission for this week. (submitted by Nick Robinson)

Oops, We Ordered Too Many Dentures, Now Grandma Looks Like A Shark
Griffin doesn't want to explore this idea as they've already made games about dentistry and grandmas, but Nick simply wanted to share the mental image of a grandma with multiple rows of teeth. (submitted by @macpleasestop)

I Want To Beat My Mother At Horseshoes
An image submission of a contestant from Cutthroat Kitchen, subtitled with the above statement. (submitted by @gingerXsnap) This is not necessarily a game where you play horseshoes with your mother, but rather one where you must want to beat your mother at horseshoes. The player's emotions are measured using the Wii Vitality Sensor and as soon as it detects this specific desire, they immediately win.

Sonic 25th anniversary edition, where Sonic is 25 years older than his first appearance
After establishing that Sonic does not age and arguing with Griffin about the Rugrats canon, Nick imagines the original Sonic being abandoned by Sega and left to make appearances at conventions where he charges too much for autographs. (submitted by @Muhgray)

Chicken Soup for the Dark Soul
Nick suggests a book with the Wii Speak microphone attached, which must be read out loud; if the reader makes a mistake, they must start again from the beginning. Griffin suggests a more uplifting version of Dark Souls which tells inspiring stories whenever you die or lose confidence in your ability to progress further. (submitted by @fontiago)

Imagine Imagine Dragon's Dragons
The band, Imagine Dragons has dragons. That's it. Also, Nick and Griffin discuss the physiological implications of the plot to DragonHeart. (submitted by @RussellnEvraDay)

Parappa the Mapper: A rhythmic cartography adventure
The player draws a map during the first half of every level, which is then used to navigate in the second half; the less precise the button inputs are, the less precise the map will be. Alternatively, the player must draw an outline of The United States of America while beatboxing to make the ink. (submitted by @Gnayt_)

Mellow Mushroom
An image submission of a pizza box from the Mellow Mushroom restaurant, with a thought-bubble reading "Quality Guaranteed" next to the mascot. (submitted by @everydaylouie) Nick and Griffin make fun of the box.

One of those urinal video games that utilizes the Metal Gear Solid License
Nick suggests a non-interactive game which randomly plays one of Hideo Kojima's 50 urination scenes from the Metal Gear back catalogue, such as the Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty Easter Egg where a guard pees on Raiden. Griffin suggests a game where the player must start and stop peeing without being spotted, but realises that this mechanic might be unhealthy for the player and that players may cheat using spray-bottles. Both are confident that Konami would be interested in this suggestion and that they would include microtransactions. (submitted by @paulwolfenden)

Forget Needing A Gun, This Tactical Flashlight Can Blind A Bear
An image submission of a banner ad for a flashlight with the above text. (submitted by @RetroLumberJack) The player must hide and defend themselves in a bear-infested forest, using a flashlight which takes 60 seconds to recharge after every burst. Rejected by Griffin for being a bit too spooky.

Poppa Fudge and the Sorcerer's Sweets: Where Fantasy Meets Great Fudge and Fun
An image submission of an old wizard with the above text in Harry Potter-style font. (submitted by @scottmowen) Nick and Griffin brainstorm some alternative slogans (including Poppa Fudge: Great Fun, Poppa Fudge's Fantasy Fudge, and Fudge: Sorcerer's Fudge: Fun!).

Survival horror like Outlast, but Seinfeld theme plays if you're detected, until you hide
Nick worries about Griffin developing a cognitive connection between hearing the Seinfeld theme tune and needing to run, but Griffin reassures Nick that this connection already exists because he thinks Seinfeld is "just a shitty television show". (submitted by @scottmowen)

Inverse stealth action game where you're distracting people from someone else who needs to be stealthy
An co-operative two-player heist game where one player uses a traditional controller and TV to sneak through a facility, while the other uses a VR headset, voice chat and full-body motion controls to distract everyone else. The latter has a UI element which tracks how much attention they're getting, as well as a meter which fills up and can be burnt for a very large distraction. Scenarios include banks, nuclear warhead facilities, casinos, and "wherever the Declaration [of Independence] is". Distraction classes include Dancing Person, Confused Old Man, Lost Pushy Tourist, and Little Boy Who Drops A Million Marbles On The Ground And Cries. The stealth aspect is "very good", uses a third-person perspective á la Splinter Cell, and is developed by Arkane Studios (who made Dishonored), while the distraction aspect is made by the Just Dance developers. The soundtrack includes Crazy Frog and Gangnam Style.

This idea was pitched to Patrick Klepek by Griffin, but ultimately lost out to Nick's The Dance Hunter. (submitted by @QuixoticGood)

Trivia

 * Instead of the regular CoolGames Inc theme song ('Social Science' by Maxo), this episode ends with six minutes of 'We Like to Party! (The Vengabus)' by The Vengaboys slowed down by 800%.
 * At 1 hour, 13 minutes, and 5 seconds in length, this is currently the longest episode of CoolGames Inc to date.
 * Since the publication of this episode, Patrick has since gone on to become the Senior Reporter at Waypoint.